School

School's been stressing ever since it started. And it only started 3 days ago.
There's plenty of stuff to do and to get ready for. I hate sitting in class for some subjects and feeling lost. I feel dumb lol piss me off.

Didn't go school yesterday coz of ortho. Went to school today and was told we got our english results back. Most people did crap and didn't pass. only a few passed. I got the average mark - which means i didnt pass.
So I was disappointed but ah well - i wasnt toooo sad though. Then someone said to me that i lost marks coz my writing was messy. I was like wat? o.o
Then i recalled that an english teacher told me before in Year 8 that if i write messy, they deduct marks in the HSC.
So okay. I accepted tat comment coz it's telling me what i need to improve on. So i asked a friend who was in my class whether the teacher had said that. And she said that she told the whole class that. I thought she meant that the teacher told the whole class that you lose marks for writing messily. But, actually, she not only said that, but said my name in particular. I was a bit disappointed in my teacher. I felt more sad too. I wasn't there on that day, and i couldn't believe she said my name out like that. If i was there and she looked at me and told me then that's okay. But i wasnt there, so what was the need of telling everyone that  i lost marks coz i had messy hand writing? Once i knew that i tried to suppress my tears and tried to stop thinking about it for as long as i could.

I was a bit offended knowing that most people knew my mark before i did. I wasn't in class, but people looked and stuff and knew my mark without my consent. If they had asked me i would've let them know, it's just the idea of them knowing before me was unethical. i thought teachers usually conceal the other marks.

I was also disappointed in myself. Im getting worse in English. I used to be one of the top 5s now im going down and degrading. Maybe coz english is getting harder. But im also ashamed because out of my group of closest friends, i got the lowest mark for this assessment task.

Towards the end of the last school period i was just teary lol. I cried a lil when i got home.
I had tutor afterwards. I went to tutor but i was all tired and dopey. This always happen after im all sad and stuff. I jst sat there and had to look through my work again to remember what we were doing and how to solve stuff. Then after a lil while i managed and i got back in track to my usual self at tutor. Then i felt more content than before.

I will try to improve my hand writing. It's hard though. It's even harder when you're in an exam or whateva, and you're stressing out and times running out - you write faster, and you're writing gets worse. but i need to try, i dont want to lose stupid marks in HSC just for messy writing.