Selfish

On the way home from tutor, I spent some time thinking. I thought about my past for some reason. How i had a relationship. And i was upset when he had left me. That was when the 'love' theme of my poems really kicked in. Anyways..I expressed my emotions and thoughts into my poems. And was left depressed for a year and a bit, took me a while to stop cryng every night and get a hold of myself without any suicidal thoughts..but anyways..the point is

During the time, whilst expressing my emotions and thoughts through poems, and my blog entries, he read them. Then everytime we talked, he would imply we were only friends. For example, he always says "i love you!" but this time he adds "as a friend of course". It gets annoying of course, and pissed me off, because i accepted his decision, i was jst really upset,. I've never told him my thoughts, i only expressed them through blog entries and poems. Sometimes he would comment stuff like "im sorry" and sometimes he would tell me somethin along the lines of...i'm not going to be with you anymore, get over it, stop crying etc etc. In a way that makes it feel like he was forcing me to stop- not in a good way. He urged me to continue being friends with him and continue talking to him day to day.


From this, i have realised, that he was selfish in a way. He obviously felt guilty, for making me sad and depressed to such extent, that to make him feel better, he kept trying to make me or coerce me to stop being depressed, stop thinking about him etc. Thing is, you cant jst STOP. It needs time, and with him constantly chatting to me and looking at my stuff and jst constantly tryin to tell me to stop and implying we arent going to be back together again, only makes it WORSE.

It's so selfish, i shouldve told him "hey, i'm sad and i express it through my blog entries and poems, i havent even told you how i feel, i didnt even even try to make you come back to me, you feel guilty because you made me upset. now YOU get over it. "

but i didnt.